by Mat Churchill
Humans are a strange breed. You're more likely to get an angry reaction from a fellow human, not because of Government inaction on global poverty, but because you forgot to indicate at a roundabout.
Why are we wired to be so petty? Have we got it so good that we've lost all sense of the harsh reality displayed nightly on our 130cm plasma tellies?
Here are just a few of the big issues that take the jam out of my donut.
1. Not enough jam in my donut
2. People who walk too slowly in the middle of a footpath, oblivious to the fact that there may be other people in town who walk faster than slow-moving lava, or that there are other people in town fullstop.
3. Opening a packet of Grain Wave chips and realising you've nearly finished before you even start (I swear there were no more than four in that packet).
4. Just when you thought economy class leg room couldn't get any less, along comes the Tiger - Cairns to Melbourne 1.15am flight. I felt like a battery hen in a game of tetris we were wedged in so tightly.
5. Anyone who says "gotten".
6. Glee. I'd rather shove mud crabs up my bum with a burnt stick than watch that show. Even the ads are enough to send me reaching for the sick bag I stole off a Tiger flight to Melbourne.
7. 'Unchained Melody' by The Righteous Brothers. Worst song ever (with 'Walking on Sunshine' a close second).
8. Side drivers. People who drive on the very edge of a suitably wide road causing me great confusion and torment as to whether they want me to pass or not.
9. Trying to get Ice Magic onto my ice cream when I haven't run it under a hot tap first, making it come out like a shoe lace rather than the picture on the bottle.
10. The movie 'The Sweetest Thing." How can a movie be so awful that it makes a heterosexual male see Cameron Diaz and Christina Applegate wearing very little want to scratch his eyes out?
And my all time biggest gripe…
Going to a flash restaurant and having to order side dishes that have no excuse not to be on the plate in the first place. Why should I pay $35 for a steak and have to buy chips and veggies (the natural allies of the steak) for another $9 each?
I've waited a long time to have the medium to be able to hold up a mirror to society and say "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore."
Now it's your turn. What are the little things that make you see red? Let us know below.
- People who leave their indicators on
- Women who act all uncomfortable about blokes looking at their boobs when they're wearing a shirt sized for a child with a print that says 'look at my boobs'
- Being a passenger in a car when the driver keeps squirting the accelarator making the car jump all about
- Glee and all musicals
- Crappy made lamingtons
- Biting into a hot pie !
- Biting into a freshly made cheese and tomato toastie and having the volcano temperatured tomato swing back into your lip. Ooouch !
- Picking your kids up and having them piss on you !
Wow once you start you really could go on for ever ! I think your right Mat !
People who type "your" for "you are".
TV and radio presenters who patronise or talk at you.
Telephone sales people. I can't see the point in telephone sales people. If I want a service, I will go and find one. I don't need a person interrupting my dinner to tell that I have won a holiday to Florida and then spout on about life insurance. I now say I am the "baby-sitter" or the contract "window fitter". I even once pretended to be a burglar and told the startled tele-sales person that I had householder tied up and I was stealing the best silver. I worked; they have never phoned back!
customers that when they are ordering something say Yeah can i grab the fruit - can i grab the pancakes - can i grab a coffee - what happened to "could i please have !!!!!!!!!!!
while i'm on about service what happened to common basic manners - simple "thank you" and "please may I" seem to have disappeared from most peoples vocabulary-
people ambling all over the road then giving you a filthy look if they think you have driven too close to them when they a a few meters away from a designated pedestrian crossing
waiting patiently in line at the supermarket only to have the checkout operator slam the "sorry i'm closed " sign down just when its my turn - or the worst of all..
getting home after a tough day slipping into my leisure wear to enjoy the bottle of champagne i've just bought opening it pouring the first glass then finding its corked....aargggggggggggggghgghhhhh
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