Wednesday 23 December

Have a laugh this Christmas !

Editors Note: Taking into consideration that it is the festive season and we will all be making merry for the next 10 days, I thought you might like to load up with a few funny Christmas tales to keep the party rolling as you sup your beer and feed aplenty from the festive feasting table.

1.
Christmas fast facts
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.....Thank goodness for magic, eh kids ? 

2.
Christmas Dilemma
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus got into the lift at the Sheraton Mirage. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift's floor.
Question - Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?
Answer - Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!

3.
Ready to say Aaaaargh !
Just before Christmas I was shopping at a toy fayre in Cairns. I glanced to my left and caught sight of a queue at the doll counter. There was a huge queue of children waiting for the shelves to be restocked with Mattel dolls.
As I looked I realised that in the queue was a good friend of mine. Knowing this particular guy well I was sure that he had no daughters nor any nieces so I wondered why he should want to buy a doll at Christmas time"
"Hello mate,' I cried, 'I didn't realised you collected dolls."
"I don't,' he replied laughing"
"Really,' I queried, 'then you must be buying a Christmas present for someone ?"
"No, not at all, my friend,' his eyes twinkling merrily"
"So why exactly are you standing in this particular queue?"
"Oh that," he giggled. 'It's simple, I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue."

Aaaaaargh !!....told you.

4.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks but a puppy loves a new toy!
An old lady decided to move with the times and try the delights of microwave cooking.
Christmas approached and she got out her Christmas pudding recipe and assembled the ingredients. She proceeded along traditional lines and even got the each member of the family to stir the mixture 'for luck'. When the old lady consulted the microwave's manual for the cooking time, she could not believe that ten minutes would be enough for a traditional Christmas pudding. Consequently she decided to substitute her normal cooking time of 50 minutes.
As she was in the lounge watching her favourite T.V. programme she did not see the pudding spitting in the microwave oven, nor did she hear the mini-explosions. When she finally extracted the pudding from the microwave after nearly an hour of cooking on 'High', it smelt of burnt sugar and looked like a ball of tar. Naturally, the Christmas pudding was a disaster, so much so, that Martha could not even prod it with a fork. In fact the black ball stuck to the bottom of the bowl and her husband had to get a tyre lever to prize it from its base. In a fit of pique, the old lady threw the shrivelled Christmas pudding to her St Bernard puppy. After a few days she could see the funny side, and her St Bernard loved his new indestructible toy, which amused him right through until the next Christmas.

5.
A Politically Correct Christmas Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No Cricket, no footy..someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

Editors comments: Have a great Christmas and a prosperous, healthy and safe New year.   We close down our operations as from tomorrow for the festive break.  Our first full day back will be Monday 4th January....so see you next year, have a great one !